I’m FIFTY!?!?!?!

I’m FIFTY!?!?!?!

How did that happen???

One day at a time.

It seems like only yesterday I was 49! (lol)  Honestly, these years have gone by so quickly and yet, at times, they’ve dragged.  Babies grow too quickly.  Before you can blink, they’re graduating.  Then college…and they’re on their own!

My twenties came and went in a flash.  The thirties slowed a bit, trying to keep up with the kids.  My forties moved at a snail’s pace.  So…what will fifty bring?

One day at a time.

In my twenties I wanted to be “teacher of the year”…

In my thirties I desired “the world’s greatest mom” award…

In my forties I prayed (and searched for doctors) to get my health back…

One day at a time.

Now, here I am, at the beginning of the next decade…

Divorced.

Living alone.
(Well, I still have my dog.)

Most relationships are strained, at best.
(Except those friends who stick closer than a brother.)
(Thank you, Heavenly Father, for friends!!)

One day at a time.

I’ve lost most everything I ever believed I wanted:  The love of my life (or so I thought).  “World’s Greatest Mom” award.  The house in the ‘burbs with the swimming pool.  My reputation.  Being a bible teacher/leader.  Relationships I thought were real.

And, I can’t blame anyone but myself.

I did it.

It happened because was  am a fool.

One day at a time.

And I can’t go back.  That’s not what I’m to do, if the scripture is to be believed.

I did repent.  I did return.  But, I was rejected…

And now, I must move forward.

One day at a time.

Forgetting what lies behind,
Reaching forward to what lies ahead.
I press on toward the goal:
The upward call of Christ Jesus!

The sanctifying process…

One day at a time.

I’m leaning on Him…

One day at a time, Sweet Jesus,

I’M FIFTY!?!?!?!

A Season of Funk

A Season of Funk

Who’s to say when the season ends?
God.
Who’s to say when the crying stops?
God.
Who’s to say when it’s time to move on?
God.

Not you.
Not me.

God.

You may give a “buck up” message to help someone “get past” their crud.
But, unless you’ve walked their path (and no one has the exact same path),
You have no idea the length of time it will take for them to be able to “move on”.

And, believe it or not, some people are created to grieve.
You might not like that, but it’s biblical.
Some people are given hurt after hurt after hurt to be an example of the reality of a sinful world.

You can’t know who that person is…and it’s way too easy to say, “Get over it!”

God determines the seasons of our lives.
WE are to be compassionate in whatever season we find others…

Mourn with those who mourn.
Rejoice with those who rejoice.

YOU are not God.
I am not God.

He determines the times and the seasons…
…the epochs of our lives.

Love covers a multitude of sins…even self-pity…
Be gentle, compassionate, forgiving…let the fruit of kindness be ever on your lips.

Grace, people.

He’s Remarried

He’s Remarried

It’s been almost six months since the divorce was final.

Both of those statements are completely surreal…

But, do I have any right to question his choice?

I hear they’re great together.  I pray so…

My daughter wants to start talking again.

My heart hopes, but, Lord,… my mind tells me to slow down…give her space…

I broke trust with her.  With him.  With them all.

Take the pain away, please, God.  Please, help us heal…

Any chance for reconciliation is over.  A New Covenant has begun.

So, Lord… does this make me an adulterer forever…especially if I hope to marry again…

Do I get to remarry?  Do I have any right to happiness again?

How far does grace extend???

 

 

Dwelling on God’s Goodness

Dwelling on God’s Goodness

“He comes to us in the brokenness of our health, in the shipwreck of our family lives, in the loss of all possible peace of mind, even in the very thick of our sins. He saves us in our disasters, not from them. He emphatically does not promise to meet only the odd winner of the self-improvement lottery: He meets us all in our endless and inescapable losing.”   ~Robert Farrar Capon

My Friend, Big Lang

My Friend, Big Lang

Big Lang was one of the first neighbors I met after moving.  He often sits on the steps across from my parking spot.  We smiled, waved, and eventually, talked.  Our first conversation delved into race relations in Dallas, alongwith childhood experiences, and the movie, “The Help”.  It spoke of our different lifestyles growing up on opposite sides of this huge metroplex we both call Home.

I’m really glad God put Big Lang in my path.

I found out what kind of heart he has when the holidays rolled around.  I don’t know if a day passed that he didn’t have someone he was helping out…me included.  And if he knew of someone who needed help, yet, he was unable to meet the need, he’d call on others to see what we could do.  The day he showed me his apartment filled with frozen chickens to pass around, I knew I had found a friend for life.  For, you see, he had a hundred chickens to pass out and walking is not something he can do easily.  He is disabled.  Like me…

Big Lang (yes, he is well over 6’6″!  I barely reach 5′…) has been through hell and back many times.  No, we don’t have the same disability, but we both know the struggles of life.  Of course, when I hear his story, I don’t know if I can call my life a struggle.  Gracious, what some people have to endure…

He speaks freely of his trials and the faith he has in Jesus.  His words of encouragement always hit the spot.  I find wisdom beyond understanding when he shares pieces of his life story.  He has lived the hardest of lives and yet, he has an enduring trust in God.  It doesn’t always make sense to me how someone with such a background (the hardest, remember) can speak so faithfully of God.  He has no tinge of bitterness.  He doesn’t bemoan the hard knocks he’s endured.  (And even the term ‘hard knocks’ is so benign for what he has lived!)  The only way I can understand his attitude is from the scriptures…

He has a peace that passes understanding.
He has joy in the LORD, not his circumstances.
He knows it is much more of a blessing to give than to receive.

Big Lang has become a model of Christianity I hope to emulate.

What a man…
I’m blessed to call him friend.

Would you like to contact Big Lang or read more about his life? Go to:
Changed Life Ministry

 

Flowers of Mercy

Flowers of Mercy

It was time to go.
The night before I had confessed my greatest sin.
She gave me the book, as I was getting ready to leave. 

When Godly People Do Ungodly Things

I put it in my satchel and told myself I’d read it on the plane.
I did start it, but my seat mate was a bit too observant.
Shame’s tendrils began creeping in…

The word “Jezebel” was used early on in the book. 
I didn’t really want to think about the meaning of that word. 
“Don’t be a Jezebel!” flooded my mind.

The book went back into my satchel.

A year later I moved out to try and get my head together.  I did take the book with me, wondering if I’d have the courage to read it as I was re-evaluating my life.  In the meantime, I had come across a couple of bloggers who were willing to boldly tell their stories.  Sarah Markley and Serena Woods were open and honest about their choices, and were willing to share the ugly truth of the fallout from those choices.  I was living the fallout of mine…

I ordered Serena’s book, Grace is for Sinners.  As I read her story, she mentioned the Beth Moore book I had already pushed aside.  I did the next logical thing…pushing hers aside, I opened the book I had received a year earlier.  My heart and mind were now open to the reality of my sin

Needless to say, between the two books, I understood what I had done and how this could happen to a “good Christian wife and mother”.  Through the grace they bestowed, I knew there was a way back for me.

I’m an avid reader of Darla, Sarah, and Serena’s blogs. 
I know they are honest women who share God’s truth. 
The truth boldly spoken so I could hear…and learn.

In her most recent post, Serena states:

God lets evil plans form and emerge as they wreak havoc, only to thwart them and turn it into something that brings the beaten closer to Him. Evil exists, but ultimately answers to Him. Pain pierces, but only brings the broken closer to Him. Sin bulldozes blooming gardens only to make room for the flowers of mercy.

Everything answers to God. Everything has it’s time in the sun, it’s fifteen minutes (years?), but none of it has the last word.

No matter where your path has taken you, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what has been done to you, none of it gets the last word on your life. God does and He does what He says.  ~Serena Woods, “The Last Word”

 

Sin bulldozes blooming gardens
only to make room for the flowers of mercy.

Are You Dancing…

Are You Dancing…

…or Marching?  

I grew up as a marcher…

I’m learning to dance!!!

This is a video of my pastor, Pete Briscoe.

Pete teaches from Colossians about the reality of the grace and freedom we have in Christ.
It’s as if we started the class and already have an ‘A’ from the beginning
NO MATTER WHAT WE DO!

This message was taught at Bent Tree on January 15, 2012.

THIS is the good news of the gospel!

I Committed Adultery

I Committed Adultery

I never thought I would.

I never imagined I could.

And that, right there, was my downfall.

It didn’t occur to me that I would ever be able to cheat on my husband (now ex-husband).  Phat and I seemed to be in a very solid place.  Not passionate, life was too hard for passion.  We’d been married for 25 years and had weathered many storms.  We were still in the midst of what we imagined would be the worst storm of our life.  Our son was dealing with the fallout of his bad choices and I had been sick for many years.  But, we would hang on.  Over the years we had dealt with unemployment, miscarriage, poverty, sickness, incarcerations…and the good stuff…years of ministry, our beautiful children, homeschooling, lots of close family, vacations, good memories…lots of laughs…and yes, many tears.  But…isn’t that just what life brings?

Yes,  we were definitely comfortable. 
Hmmm…
Maybe…even…complacent…?

Complacent.
Contented to a fault.
Self-satisfied and unconcerned.

Oh.  Webster’s:
Marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies
You’ve seen it, that smug smile. Imagining you couldn’t go wrong…

Unaware of actual dangers or deficiencies.

Some people say I’m naive.  I didn’t imagine I could be with all I’ve seen in this world.  Even though I was raised in a sheltered home and in a ‘holiness’ community, it was the 60′s…and the 70′s.  How sheltered can one be with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll running rampant in the streets?  I was known as the “goody-goody” – which was actually my self-righteousness run amuck — because I didn’t participate in the activities of the day.  But, I still knew about them.  I wasn’t unaware of dangers…I just figured I’d never fall.  I was deficient in sizing up myself.

What’s the saying, “Pride goes before the fall”…?

Pride goes before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. ~Proverbs 16:18

We became prideful of our marriage. 
We felt we had one of the strongest relationships around. 
Phat used to say, “Don’t you wish everyone could have a relationship like ours?”

A neighbor recently stated, “So, you’re  wearing the scarlet letter, huh?” 
I felt my face turn red with that announcement! 
Thankfully, I was able to say,

“Yes, to the world I am an adulterer. But to God, I am clean.” 

I do believe that, even when I’m too exhausted to fight the demons speaking in the dark of night, I still do believe God has forgiven me.  When the tears stop and I can see clearly, past the shadows of death, I know I am forgiven.

I went on to explain the hard times we’d endured and how we both got side-tracked…looking for something to ease the pain.  Hoping for something to bring fulfillment once again.  We moved outside of our commitments to one another…

Trying to reconcile was a mountain we wouldn’t climb.
He walked past it, not wanting to let go of his anger.
I looked at it and wondered how to climb without his love.
And now that mountain is in the far distance, neither of us willing to turn around…

I’ve learned not to think too highly of myself…or, of you. 
Any one of us can fall. 
Given the situation, the weariness of the world, the pleasures available to us…

Anyone of us can fall.

Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, who are idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers, and swindlers––none of these will have a share in the Kingdom of God. There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you. ~1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Anyone of us can fall. 
Every one of us can be redeemed.
Every last one of us.

Every. One.

There was a time when some of you were just like that…

But now your sins have been washed away.

The Best We Could

The Best We Could

He did the best he could with what he knew.
I remember when I first came to that realization about my dad.

In many ways he came from a privileged home, and yet, dysfunctional. One brother (my uncle) declares their mom was crazy. The sister says their dad was an alcoholic. My dad? He doesn’t talk much about his life as a kid, except for the terrorizing antics (from my perspective) with crickets and neighborhood girls. He does say he had a good childhood (I think that’s the privileged part speaking) and rarely remembers his dad being drunk, “Well, sure. There were times he spoke with a slur…” Mom, one of those neighborhood girls, recollects a mean lady living in Dad’s home. She doesn’t have many kind words for dear old grandma — aforementioned crazy lady. So, yeah. Dysfunctional fits the bill.

The short temper and sharp tongue make more sense when I remember “from whence he came.” Not that he had an excuse for his bad behavior, but, at least I caught a glimpse into his life. And in that picture, I realized how much better life was in our home than the one in which he was raised.

So, why didn’t that “ah-ha” moment translate into discernment for my marriage?

Instead of empathizing, over time, I grew complacent. I became frustrated with his constant countering. At times, his dismissiveness broke my heart. Yet, he was living a better life than the one in which he was raised. Of course he had “leftovers” from childhood… who doesn’t?

None of us come out of childhood unscathed. Some of us might paint a rosy picture, but, if we’re honest we’ll admit, we didn’t live long on this earth without suffering the effects of this sinful world. Many times those “effects” literally come at us from our parents. The sins of the fathers (and the mothers) truly are being visited upon the children.

I wish I had been more understanding. I needed to see how empathy was not something he understood. He was raised in a neglectful home. His parents weren’t old enough to be having children. Kids raising kids. Of course he didn’t learn unconditional love. Their motto: “Turn on anyone who turns on you.” Dog eat dog? YES! As one daughter explains, quoting Forest Gump, “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.”

When life became unbearable for us, I did my dysfunctional thing. I went inward. He did his dysfunctional thing and moved outward. Neither of us moved toward the other, as we had been taught to do. We moved to our “default” settings… And, now… years later… we’re divorced…

I sure wish I would’ve heard Lora when she tried to tell me why he wasn’t able to meet my needs.
But then, why did I expect it from him? And, why did I marry into the pain I thought I had escaped?
Also, why couldn’t I meet his needs? Did he marry into the same kind of pain he had hoped to escape?

It felt comfortable. The pain was comfortable.
I was used to being questioned… and the butt of jokes.
He was used to rescuing and caring for hurting people.
The results of masochism.
Sigh.

Search me, O God, and know my heart,
Try me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in me…

We did the best we could?
Maybe…

What if we had chosen to do the best HE could…?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Yes. It is true.
But, sometimes, even as Christians, we take the easy way out.