…or Marching?
I grew up as a marcher…
I’m learning to dance!!!
This is a video of my pastor, Pete Briscoe.
Pete teaches from Colossians about the reality of the grace and freedom we have in Christ.
It’s as if we started the class and already have an ‘A’ from the beginning
NO MATTER WHAT WE DO!
This message was taught at Bent Tree on January 15, 2012.
I never thought I would.
I never imagined I could.
And that, right there, was my downfall.
It didn’t occur to me that I would ever be able to cheat on my husband (now ex-husband). Phat and I seemed to be in a very solid place. Not passionate, life was too hard for passion. We’d been married for 25 years and had weathered many storms. We were still in the midst of what we imagined would be the worst storm of our life. Our son was dealing with the fallout of his bad choices and I had been sick for many years. But, we would hang on. Over the years we had dealt with unemployment, miscarriage, poverty, sickness, incarcerations…and the good stuff…years of ministry, our beautiful children, homeschooling, lots of close family, vacations, good memories…lots of laughs…and yes, many tears. But…isn’t that just what life brings?
Yes, we were definitely comfortable.
Hmmm…
Maybe…even…complacent…?
Complacent.
Contented to a fault.
Self-satisfied and unconcerned.
Oh. Webster’s:
Marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies
You’ve seen it, that smug smile. Imagining you couldn’t go wrong…
Unaware of actual dangers or deficiencies.
Some people say I’m naive. I didn’t imagine I could be with all I’ve seen in this world. Even though I was raised in a sheltered home and in a ‘holiness’ community, it was the 60′s…and the 70′s. How sheltered can one be with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll running rampant in the streets? I was known as the “goody-goody” – which was actually my self-righteousness run amuck — because I didn’t participate in the activities of the day. But, I still knew about them. I wasn’t unaware of dangers…I just figured I’d never fall. I was deficient in sizing up myself.
What’s the saying, “Pride goes before the fall”…?
Pride goes before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. ~Proverbs 16:18
We became prideful of our marriage.
We felt we had one of the strongest relationships around.
Phat used to say, “Don’t you wish everyone could have a relationship like ours?”
A neighbor recently stated, “So, you’re wearing the scarlet letter, huh?”
I felt my face turn red with that announcement!
Thankfully, I was able to say,
“Yes, to the world I am an adulterer. But to God, I am clean.”
I do believe that, even when I’m too exhausted to fight the demons speaking in the dark of night, I still do believe God has forgiven me. When the tears stop and I can see clearly, past the shadows of death, I know I am forgiven.
I went on to explain the hard times we’d endured and how we both got side-tracked…looking for something to ease the pain. Hoping for something to bring fulfillment once again. We moved outside of our commitments to one another…
Trying to reconcile was a mountain we wouldn’t climb.
He walked past it, not wanting to let go of his anger.
I looked at it and wondered how to climb without his love.
And now that mountain is in the far distance, neither of us willing to turn around…
I’ve learned not to think too highly of myself…or, of you.
Any one of us can fall.
Given the situation, the weariness of the world, the pleasures available to us…
Anyone of us can fall.
Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, who are idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers, and swindlers––none of these will have a share in the Kingdom of God. There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you. ~1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Anyone of us can fall.
Every one of us can be redeemed.
Every last one of us.
Every. One.
There was a time when some of you were just like that…
But now your sins have been washed away.
He did the best he could with what he knew.
I remember when I first came to that realization about my dad.
In many ways he came from a privileged home, and yet, dysfunctional. One brother (my uncle) declares their mom was crazy. The sister says their dad was an alcoholic. My dad? He doesn’t talk much about his life as a kid, except for the terrorizing antics (from my perspective) with crickets and neighborhood girls. He does say he had a good childhood (I think that’s the privileged part speaking) and rarely remembers his dad being drunk, “Well, sure. There were times he spoke with a slur…” Mom, one of those neighborhood girls, recollects a mean lady living in Dad’s home. She doesn’t have many kind words for dear old grandma — aforementioned crazy lady. So, yeah. Dysfunctional fits the bill.
The short temper and sharp tongue make more sense when I remember “from whence he came.” Not that he had an excuse for his bad behavior, but, at least I caught a glimpse into his life. And in that picture, I realized how much better life was in our home than the one in which he was raised.
So, why didn’t that “ah-ha” moment translate into discernment for my marriage?
Instead of empathizing, over time, I grew complacent. I became frustrated with his constant countering. At times, his dismissiveness broke my heart. Yet, he was living a better life than the one in which he was raised. Of course he had “leftovers” from childhood… who doesn’t?
None of us come out of childhood unscathed. Some of us might paint a rosy picture, but, if we’re honest we’ll admit, we didn’t live long on this earth without suffering the effects of this sinful world. Many times those “effects” literally come at us from our parents. The sins of the fathers (and the mothers) truly are being visited upon the children.
I wish I had been more understanding. I needed to see how empathy was not something he understood. He was raised in a neglectful home. His parents weren’t old enough to be having children. Kids raising kids. Of course he didn’t learn unconditional love. Their motto: “Turn on anyone who turns on you.” Dog eat dog? YES! As one daughter explains, quoting Forest Gump, “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.”
When life became unbearable for us, I did my dysfunctional thing. I went inward. He did his dysfunctional thing and moved outward. Neither of us moved toward the other, as we had been taught to do. We moved to our “default” settings… And, now… years later… we’re divorced…
I sure wish I would’ve heard Lora when she tried to tell me why he wasn’t able to meet my needs.
But then, why did I expect it from him? And, why did I marry into the pain I thought I had escaped?
Also, why couldn’t I meet his needs? Did he marry into the same kind of pain he had hoped to escape?
It felt comfortable. The pain was comfortable.
I was used to being questioned… and the butt of jokes.
He was used to rescuing and caring for hurting people.
The results of masochism.
Sigh.
Search me, O God, and know my heart,
Try me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in me…
We did the best we could?
Maybe…
What if we had chosen to do the best HE could…?
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Yes. It is true.
But, sometimes, even as Christians, we take the easy way out.
I like it. It’s creative and bold.
I’m feeling a bit creative and am learning to be bold again.
I think I’ll stick with it for a while.
Change can be very good.
New quote on the fridge:
just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
it became a butterfly…
Thanks for stopping by.
I’m hoping one of these posts
will minister to you in this season.
From 2008:
From 2009:
From 2010:
The LORD is good to everyone.
He showers compassion on all His creation.
~Psalms 145:9
For the LORD Most High is awesome.
He is the great King of all the earth.
~Psalms 47:2
Praise the Lord!
Give thanks to the Lord,
For He is good,
And His loyal love endures!
~Psalms 106:1
In everything give thanks.
For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thess. 5:1
If these words are true, and I believe they are, we can give thanks in all things. It may have been a tough year, maybe the hardest you’ve ever endured. The news declares much of the world is suffering. Personally, you may be suffering more than you ever imagined possible. It doesn’t make sense to you and you’re wondering how to give thanks in this.
God is still God.
And you are still His creation.
All the people of the earth are nothing compared to Him. He has the power to do as He pleases among the angels of heaven and with those who live on earth. No one can stop Him or challenge Him, saying, ‘What do you mean by doing these things?’ ~Daniel 4
He has the power to do as He pleases…and sometimes, what He pleases is not at all pleasurable to us.
However, if the words are true –
And again, I believe they are –
We. can. give. thanks.
How?
When the pain is unimaginable…
When the loss is too great…
When the tears won’t stop…
How do we do it?
When all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew you had better things waiting for you in eternity. Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. ~Hebrews 10
With our eyes fixed on Him…NOT on the circumstance:
Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how He did it. Because He never lost sight of where He was headed–that exhilarating finish in and with God–He could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now He’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. ~Hebrews 12
With patient endurance.
Don’t throw away your confidence in the Lord.
Don’t lose sight of where you’re headed.
You can put up with anything along the way…just as your Savior did.
Know: better things await you in eternity.
With a grateful heart,
I can give thanks in all things,
Knowing this is God’s will for me,
In Christ Jesus…amen.
We build our lives hoping the dreams we imagine will come to fruition.
We take the steps needed to have
A fulfilling career,
That house on the hill,
A loving family.
Whatever the dream,
We reach
To attain.
And then,
Somewhere along the timeline of life
An unexpected tragedy occurs.
For some, the tragedy comes early.
Others have plenty of time living the dream before it erupts.
Either way, as we live on this earth, life will crash in around us.
Illness. Disability. Alcoholism. Addiction. Death. Flood. Tsunami. Fire. Hurricane. Tornado. Earthquake. Miscarriage. Infertility. SIDS. Accident. Abuse. Molestation. Rape. Murder. Betrayal. Adultery. Divorce. Termination. Bankruptcy. Depression. Slander. . .
Self-induced or brought on by another’s choice . . . no matter . . .
It is by the grace of catastrophe that people sometimes come to themselves and see what is before them as if for the first time. Catastrophe can, like a mighty wind, blow away the abstracting veils of theory and ideology and enable our own sovereign seeing. ~Eugene Peterson
As if for the first time, we see. The winds of change, the stormy gusts of tragedy blow away the abstracting veils of all the theory and ideology we have assumed. Or, determined. No matter how you came to your personal belief system, it is in shambles from the catastrophe that has overtaken your existence.
Now what?
I do not understand the mystery of grace—only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us. ~Anne Lamott
The huge unaswerable question is formed,
And finally breathed: Why?
As the writer of Ecclesiastes laments,
“Everything is meaningless, utterly meaningless!”
Nothing in this life under the sun brings fulfillment.
Nothing brings meaning.
All may be lost in a moment.
Life isn’t like a book. Life isn’t logical or sensible or orderly. Life is a mess most of the time. And theology must be lived out in the midst of that mess. ~Chuck Colson
In the midst of the mess:
A glimpse of eternity,
A flicker of light,
A bubble of clarity…
A Divine Architect?
Notice the way God does things; then fall into line. Don’t fight the ways of God, for who can straighten out what He has made crooked?
~Ecclesiastes 7:13
What is He designing?
What is He working out for you, or in you?
What is He doing…is it for you…or for Him?
For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels–[everything] got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment.
~Colossians 1:16-17
Whatever it is.
Whatever He is doing,
There is purpose in it.
And the purpose will be found in Him, alone.
For everything we try to create in this life will be meaningless,
Until God brings meaning to it.
It’s all about Him.
It’s not about me.
(Meet the music minister from my church, Scott Dyer…
and listen to one of my favorite songs! Just hit play.
Great book on this subject: Bold Purpose)
We don’t define Him.
He defines Himself.
I AM that I AM.
NOT…He was that He was.
OR…He will be that He will be.
I AM.
He is not becoming…
He is not past-tense.
I AM.
At this point in time, I AM.
At that point in time, I AM.
I believe this to be TRUTH.
I agree with…
Adam, Enoch, Noah,
Shem, Abraham, Isaac,
Jacob, Joseph, and Moses…
Peter, Andrew, James,
John, Matthew, Mark,
Luke, Stephen, and Paul…
GOD is Self-Existent.
No one created Him and no one can destroy Him.
Declaring “He is not” or “God is dead” does not make it so.
He was I AM.
He is I AM.
He will be I AM.
As the angels sing,
“Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God, the All-Powerful,
Who was and Who is, and Who is still to come!”
He is past, present, and beyond.
More than we will ever comprehend.
If we could understand, He wouldn’t be God.
I can rest, knowing, the Self-Existent One…IS.
He determines the times and epochs of man.
Whenever He decides it ends, then…it will.
We live in Time.
He lives outside of Time.
From His view, Time is elastic.
He exists.
And only because He determines…
We do, too.
When He decides to withhold His breath from us,
We will cease to exist in this realm.
We are in His hands.
His holy, loving hands.
It’s not about me, it’s ALL about Him.
~adjusting my being…
God is what He is in Himself.
He does not become what we believe.
‘I AM that I AM.’
We are on safe ground only when we know what kind of God He is
And adjust our entire being to that holy concept.
~AW Tozer
I feel scared.
I’m uncertain of the future.
Don’t think future, think now.
Yes, that’s what I’ve learned.
To survive in traumatic times…think now.
I gave what I knew to give, but it wasn’t enough.
“Stop beating yourself up, Michelle. It’s done.
You’ve sought forgiveness.
A new normal will come…eventually.”
I tried to create a life of serenity for my family, but how could that be when in my innermost being I did not feel peace? I was continually striving…trying to reach a place outside of this realm. Perfection.
As long as my body would allow, I created a faςade of peace.
As long as my mind stayed intact, I could do this thing called Life.
Life comes through death…
Poignant memories teach:
On good days I’d gather the kids together and we would take off for a park or a nature trail. Someplace to explore to our heart’s content. I remember the time we were exploring in a nearby creek and all of the sudden Al disappeared. He popped up a moment later exclaiming, “Wow, that was deep!” He lost his shoe in the muddy bottom, but we weren’t staying in the water any longer! The murky water had become a dangerous place to play, not being able to discern where the next hole would appear. Both boys were upset. They didn’t understand the danger involved. In their minds the adventure had just begun. But, being the adult and having such young charges, I knew I had to call an end to the exploration. We had been going long enough. It was time for showers in the backyard and snacks in the treehouse. Another fun day homeschooling. We would write about our adventures later, after dinner, and maybe make a “special book” entitled, “The Day Al Disappeared.”
Maybe that’s where I am now…
Writing the story, “The Day Michelle Disappeared.”
I tried too hard. It had always been my way. Hadn’t I already learned the dangers from striving to be the best? In my second year of teaching I had my first meltdown. A couple of years down the road, another one almost led to a nervous breakdown. The cause: working hard to be the best. I resigned from teaching, due to stress, and started having babies…but, the cycle didn’t end.
The best teacher…The best wife…The best cook…The best mother…The best bible leader…The best friend…The best gardener…The best decorator…The best neighbor…The best daughter…The best sister…The best (whatever).
And my prayer? The one that would fall from my lips at the end of the day:
What do You want me to do, Lord?
Show me, anything…I’ll do it.
I thought I was crying out as a willing servant.
In reality, I was still working to earn His approval.
Someone’s approval…please!!
Life takes us by surprise,
And we learn to embrace what is meant to be,
rather than what we meant to create.
Determination only takes a person as far
as their body and situation will allow.
~Gitz
I did what I could do in my own effort for as long as my body allowed. Then, I had no choice but to give in to my weakness. I couldn’t keep going. It was done. Although I didn’t know it at the time, and continued to grieve the loss of ability, I waited for the day my health would return. It didn’t happen. Not then. Not while I still had children to nurture and a husband to help.
The stress from constant disability took its toll on all of us. When the deep settled peace doesn’t dwell within, one pulls from wherever and grabs anything close enough to bring serenity. The filling of a vacuum. Even if it’s a false serenity, it relieves the angst for a while.
However, eventually, the pseudo-peace wears away and reality sets in.
The husband has gone.
The children are raised.
For better or worse.
And now…bitterness seeks to take root in the soul.
How does God deal with your bitter heart?
He reminds you that what you have is more important than what you don’t have.
You still have your relationship with God. No one can take that.
~Lucado
“Hello. My name is Michelle.
I’m a believer in Jesus Christ and I’m Celebrating Recovery from shame
Due to sexual abuse as a child and performance-based religion.”
“Hi, Michelle!”
The sting of death seems to permeate my existence these days…
The death of a marriage.
The death of a friend.
The death of a family member.
I suppose, with all the grief, it only makes sense for me to spend time in 1 Corinthians 15 and the 23rd Psalm. You see, I homeschool my nieces and a nephew and death has hovered around them for a few months now. Their beloved uncle, Andrew, has been suffering from melanoma for about a year. He went home to be with our Lord early Friday morning. As with Gitz, Andrew was very young. Only 33.
I have always had a longing, a deep-seated desire, to be with Jesus. I’m not sure why, other than my love for Him. However, it could be the picture on the front of my childhood New Testament. Jesus is walking, holding hands, with many children — smiling — it appears He’s answering questions. As imagined at ten years of age, my mind takes me to the wonderful assurance of That Day when I will get to walk with Jesus. I will see Him face-to-face…on The Day He has fixed in His book. The faith of a child…
I believe that with my whole being.
I believe I will walk with Him.
One Day.
He will call me Home when the time is complete.
When my days have been spent and the job I have to do on this earth is over.
I, too, will be with the Lord.
However, for now, I will continue to teach. I will ask my little family members to read the 23rd Psalm with me. I will describe Heaven in biblical terms. They will understand that a river flows from the throne of God with trees growing on either side. We will talk about the fruits that change every month and the leaves which are given for healing. We will imagine what our rooms will look like and what questions we may have for Jesus. And we will come to understand where our Hope lies.
Our hope is not in this world, this life, this existence.
Our hope is in another place and time.
We can endure this momentary light affliction:
Ravishing cancer,
Ripping divorce,
Scraped knees,
Devastating loneliness,
Aching limbs,
Torn families,
Chronic fatigue,
Hard labor,
…
…
…
The abuse of a world gone mad…
…
The results of sin run amuck…
We can endure, for as long as He determines.
And then…
We’ll go home.
Just like Gitz.
For we know…
Andrew playing with Twelve-Twenty Four
Flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable….For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. Now when this perishable puts on the imperishable, and this mortal puts on immortality, then the saying that is written will happen,
“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!
My deepest condolences to Don, Esther, Pamela, Betty, Burton, Katie, Emily, Zachariah, William, and J.T. We have this assurance, we will see him again. And, for now and evermore, he is wholly complete. Thank you, Jesus.
