I never thought I would.
I never imagined I could.
And that, right there, was my downfall.
It didn’t occur to me that I would ever be able to cheat on my husband (now ex-husband). Phat and I seemed to be in a very solid place. Not passionate, life was too hard for passion. We’d been married for 25 years and had weathered many storms. We were still in the midst of what we imagined would be the worst storm of our life. Our son was dealing with the fallout of his bad choices and I had been sick for many years. But, we would hang on. Over the years we had dealt with unemployment, miscarriage, poverty, sickness, incarcerations…and the good stuff…years of ministry, our beautiful children, homeschooling, lots of close family, vacations, good memories…lots of laughs…and yes, many tears. But…isn’t that just what life brings?
Yes, we were definitely comfortable.
Contented to a fault.
Self-satisfied and unconcerned.
Marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies
You’ve seen it, that smug smile. Imagining you couldn’t go wrong…
Unaware of actual dangers or deficiencies.
Some people say I’m naive. I didn’t imagine I could be with all I’ve seen in this world. Even though I was raised in a sheltered home and in a ‘holiness’ community, it was the 60’s…and the 70’s. How sheltered can one be with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll running rampant in the streets? I was known as the “goody-goody” — which was actually my self-righteousness run amuck — because I didn’t participate in the activities of the day. But, I still knew about them. I wasn’t unaware of dangers…I just figured I’d never fall. I was deficient in sizing up myself.
What’s the saying, “Pride goes before the fall”…?
Pride goes before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. ~Proverbs 16:18
We became prideful of our marriage.
We felt we had one of the strongest relationships around.
Phat used to say, “Don’t you wish everyone could have a relationship like ours?”
A neighbor recently stated, “So, you’re wearing the scarlet letter, huh?”
I felt my face turn red with that announcement!
Thankfully, I was able to say,
“Yes, to the world I am an adulterer. But to God, I am clean.”
I do believe that, even when I’m too exhausted to fight the demons speaking in the dark of night, I still do believe God has forgiven me. When the tears stop and I can see clearly, past the shadows of death, I know I am forgiven.
I went on to explain the hard times we’d endured and how we both got side-tracked…looking for something to ease the pain. Hoping for something to bring fulfillment once again, we moved outside of our commitments to one another…
Trying to reconcile was a mountain we wouldn’t climb.
He walked past it, not wanting to let go of his anger.
I looked at it and wondered how to climb without his love.
And now that mountain is in the far distance, neither of us willing to turn around…
I’ve learned not to think too highly of myself…or, of you.
Any one of us can fall.
Given the situation, the weariness of the world, the pleasures available to us…
Anyone of us can fall.
Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, who are idol worshipers, adulterers, male prostitutes, homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, drunkards, abusers, and swindlers––none of these will have a share in the Kingdom of God. There was a time when some of you were just like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God. You have been made right with God because of what the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of our God have done for you. ~1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Anyone of us can fall.
Every one of us can be redeemed.
Every one of us…
There was a time when some of you were just like that…
But now your sins have been washed away.