In Him

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I feel I’ve been in a strait place for quite some time. 
A narrow, difficult passage has been my path for a few years now. 

Some may say it’s by my own doing, others will see I may have been pulled along, and still others could care less…saying, “she gets what she deserves!”

I am so thankful, in these difficult years, that I have found the Source of my strength. In Him.

In Him. 

I know I am where I am because God is sovereign.  And in His sovereignty, He will test me for His glory.  However, the fires of sanctification can become so painful that, sometimes, I seek an escape from the heat.  Usually it only means the melting was stifled and I must start again from a cold, hard place.  In that process I am learning to remain in the fire.  It’s much less painful in the long run. 

In reality (vs. fantasy) I can rest in Him instead of worrying what “others” may think.  If He is sovereign then He is in control.  It is by His will I am in this place.  Strait or wide open…HE directs my path.

I found this passage awhile back. 

I think Murray makes my point…or I made his (since he wrote in the 1800’s)… 

“In time of trouble, say, “First, He brought me here. It is by His will I am in this strait place; in that I will rest.” Next, “He will keep me here in His love, and give me grace in this trial to behave as His child.” Then say, “He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He intends me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow.” And last, say, “In His good time He can bring me out again. How, and when, He knows.

Therefore say, “I am here

(1) by God’s appointment,
(2) in His keeping,
(3) under His training,
(4) for His time.”

~Andrew Murray, 1895

Trusting in God’s sovereignty today.

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to live in obedience to Him. Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done.  ~Colossians 2:6-7

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7 responses »

  1. So…. you are saying laying on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying is NOT the right response? Huh.

    I so totally hear you on this one. In some ways I actually used to be better at staying in the fire than I am now. Years of physical pain, fatigue, and basically feeling ill all of the time have brought me to this point of hiding out rather than facing life, because there has been no other way to deal with emotional and relational issues when I hardly could get out of bed. But I think that hasn’t been a bad thing…. learning to let go, rest, relax and not worry about the world and everyone’s problems all of the time. Learning not to worry about what people think. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be involved in people’s problems, only that I had a save-the-world compulsion that needed a rest. And the false guilt I lived with when I wasn’t enough, or when I wasn’t perfect, was crippling in it’s own right…. just emotional rather than physical.

    I feel I’m without a life now… sometimes that really hurts. Most of the people have disappeared. The ones who haven’t are family and stuck with me anyway, but some of those aren’t speaking to me because they are so upset that I’ve been unable to help them with their problems that they don’t notice how much I’ve needed someone.

    But the peace here when I can keep my focus on Jesus is so much better than it was before. In so many ways, I am more emotionally healthy than I have ever been, even as my physical health has declined. As I try and re-enter life when I can, I can see my old patterns so clearly. And I have to say, I’m not as anxious to jump back into life as it was… I would miss the quiet that I used to run from. I would miss the self-reflection that is more honest, and less self-loathing and self-destructive. I would miss the ability to analyze things without rushing to judgement and . I would miss the peace. I want Him to bring me out the RIGHT way this time. However he wants… whenever he wants… I almost feel like it would be ok if I never moved past this point.

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this all about me… that really wasn’t my point, I was attempting to relate by sharing some of my own story, but got a little out of control. I should just make this a post on my own blog, and try again here, but I’m tired now, so you are stuck. 🙂 Maybe I’ll cut and paste later over there.

    I love you, Michelle… and I praise God that you love him and that you are transparent, honest, real…. life is hard sometimes, but I cannot even fathom what it would be like without Jesus… I’d most likely be dead by now, and I never want to find out. Never want to go back to the loneliness and agony of life as it used to be.. and that is when I was a “happy, church-going, in-leadership, surrounded-by-people, all-together” Christian. Now I’m a needy, desperate, questioning, down-and-out, imperfect, longing Christian, and somehow it is so much better this way.
    ~Heidi

  2. WOW, Heidi! Thank you thank you thank you for sharing! I’m glad I’m stuck with it…it’s a great expression of what I’ve learned, as well. It is hard when people expect more from us than we were ever able to give, especially when we might have been coming from a compulsive place, or a “messiah-complex”. I now know, I can’t take care of everyone and I need to remain quiet, sitting at His feet, until I know He’s telling me to get up and do something. (I’m remembering: Mary chose the better thing…not Martha…)

    I’m definitely NOT the “happy, church-going, in-leadership, surrounded-by-people, all-together” Christian anymore. I’m okay with broken. I know His love and comfort so much more these days. Grace is truly sufficient for all I need…

    I love you, Heidi! Some day we’re gonna have to meet-up…just sayin’. 😉

    I could’ve written this:
    I feel I’m without a life now… sometimes that really hurts. Most of the people have disappeared. The ones who haven’t are family and stuck with me anyway, but some of those aren’t speaking to me because they are so upset that I’ve been unable to help them with their problems that they don’t notice how much I’ve needed someone.

    Hugs…

  3. Yeah, broken is ok. Once we don’t have to perform anymore, it all changes anyway. And, I don’t know about you, but as much as I liked the all-together person (well, liked the response she got which is why she existed), I’ve really always just wanted to be able to be me and to have people accept me, love me…. screaming from the inside. Then I literally got too tired to pretend to be anyone else any more. Learning to not judge MYSELF so harshly has been a process… one I’m still walking.

    And as for meeting, I think you are absolutely correct! 🙂

    Much love and Big Hugs!!!!!!

  4. Just going to slip in here to say I loved the post . . .that the post like comments. 🙂 You have given us a jewel in this one, Michelle. Going to copy those 1,2,3,4’s of Murray’s.
    God bless you right where you are, in His keeping, for a time such as now.
    love and prayers!

  5. I hear you, Heidi! I don’t want to keep pretending to be someone I’m not. I could do it, but it wore me to a frazzle and I really don’t think it was God calling me, but me calling me. I hate that performance can get in the way of serving. To really know God is the one asking for the service, and not old tapes or manipulative pastors, is what I need. And, as much as some don’t want to give me the grace to rest, I do believe that is what God has told me is best…at this time. I do hate that we both know all too well what we’ve endured, but still, it’s good to be understood. Thank you, Heidi. ♥ ♥ ♥

    I’m so glad you liked the post, Debbie. Sometimes I feel I keep saying the same thing. Well, maybe I do…and maybe it’s the message I’m meant to speak. I appreciate that you are always here. Your words help more than you know. So good you love Murray’s formula…it’s been such a help for me to remember. Love you, Debbie! 🙂

  6. Oh and guess what? I received the most beautiful set of cards today! 🙂 Thank you! They are lovely and I can’t wait to use them. You have such sweet and amazing gifts. You are His and much loved!
    deb

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