My “Go To”

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Cry out to God,
“Deliver me, Most Merciful Father!”

He will come and save you.

That’s the promise.

Have you ever been rejected, pushed aside, or left alone?
I can’t think of anything more painful than to be left to defend for one’s self.

And yet, are we ever alone?

You’ve heard the aphorism: There are no atheists in foxholes.
In times of extreme distress, or fear, man is known to cry out to God.
“Please, save me!”

The times I’ve done this were when giving birth. But, the most difficult, the saddest moment was with the death of my second child.

I had a miscarriage in the 12th week of pregnancy. While at the doctor’s for a regular check-up, he could not find the heartbeat. It had been heard previously. The plans, the hopes, the dreams for our second child were well underway. We intended to have two babies very close together, and this would make them 15 months apart. To say we were elated — with God’s blessing us so closely from our first gift to our second — would be putting it mildly. But, when the news came of our baby’s death, we were devastated.

I’ve always been grateful to the doctor for not rushing a D&C. Some doctors will do that right away, in hopes of stopping the possibility of hemorraging. But, for some reason, my doctor was willing to let nature take its course. He let me know I would probably begin bleeding in the next 5 days, but not to worry, in most cases women only experience a heavier period than normal.

Those days were racked with grief. I remember wondering how Rox could speak without emotion when sharing the details of her miscarriage, so many years before. I knew this was death. And,  I was in mourning.

As nature took its course, I experienced a complete delivery; my water broke and I delivered my tiny baby. I was weeping when the hemorraging began. As quickly as possible, we made it to the hospital to meet the same doctor who had delivered my healthy baby boy, only nine months before . . .

I was rushed into the ER. With agonizing pain from the contractions, and the loss of blood making it difficult for the nurse to find a vein, I began crying out to God, “Please, Jesus, help her find a vein!”

“This is too much to bear. Please, God, help me!”

The doctor patted my arm to let me know he was there. I asked why the pain was so much worse than a normal delivery. “Oh, it’s perception, I think,” he responded . . .

“You know the outcome is not going to be good.”

Thankfully, not many minutes past, the anesthesia took affect . . .

Thinking back on it now: my “go to” was God.
I knew the doctor couldn’t help me.
I knew my husband couldn’t make anything different.
I knew the end had come.

I needed God’s comfort.
I needed God’s words to engulf my mind.
I needed God’s assurance that He would be there…
That He would walk me through the valley of the shadow of death.

Today, with a twenty-year old memory, I find comfort once more.

Rejection from divorce is a most painful reality.

I am experiencing that reality, and it’s much like the shadow of the valley of death.  The marriage is gone.  And, I find myself mourning the loss of thirty years with the man I believed I would be with until death.

Jesus was rejected, too.  He was rejected by men.
But, the rejected stone was The Living Stone.

So as you come to Him — a living stone rejected by men but chosen and priceless in God’s sight — you yourselves, as living stones, are built up as a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood and to offer spiritual sacrifices that are acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ~1Peter 2:3-4

And He is using me, another rejected stone, to become a living stone.
A house built for Him.

To the praise of God through Jesus Christ, my Lord.

Who is your “go to?”
Do you know, when you are afraid, you can trust in Him?
(Psalm 56:4)

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7 responses »

  1. Thank you so much Michelle . . .for sharing this. I’m crying that you could let Him use something this painful in order to help others. . .to help me. You are indeed a living stone and a house built on the Rock.
    love you and praying for you.
    deb

  2. Losing a child is as terrible an experience as anyone can have. I am glad your faith was able to give you the comfort you needed then, and need now..

  3. Wow. Wow. Wow. I have tears. I cannot imagine. I pray that you wil find life in this death, as is the promise for all things. I will whisper words to your heart.

    Sweet one, the summer is past. The winter is done. The nightime has fallen, and the stars are coming out. There is nothing undone that needs to be done. Nothing to strive for. It is the sweetness of the evening for you, for your soul needs to hear sweet words. The shadows are long on the earth and the chirping of crickets is nightime company. There is no death in the night, but only calmness. Sleep for weariness and rest for achiness. And the sun will also rise. The daytime will find you. But let the night be the night and be at peace. All is well.

  4. Thank you, Deb. I’ve struggled with how to share some things, but I know it’s by the word of our testimony that we overcome. And then, I think of Peter, when Jesus told him Satan had demanded permission to sift him as wheat, but when he returns, to strengthen the brethren. Confessing our sins consists of sharing our lives…unless we believe we can be sinless on this earth. Nope. Not me. I struggle. That said, I sure appreciate your encouraging words and loving support. ♥ ♥ ♥

    You seem to always have just the right thing to say, Ed. Thank you for being my friend. 🙂

    Gracious, Annie. Beautiful. I’ll keep coming back to this one…such comfort. Thank you, Sparkle. I love you. “There is nothing undone that needs to be done.” Wow. I don’t think I realized how starved I have been for sweet words. You got me crying here. 😐

  5. I pray you find peace in knowing you are His and He is with you always, no matter how rejected you may feel by others.
    D-

  6. I do, Laz. I keep asking for His words to comfort me, and He is forever faithful to whisper His truths. Thank you for your prayers. I need them.

    ♥ ♥ ♥

  7. I just realized I forgot to check back. 🙂 I’m so glad that ministered, my dear. So glad. I love you too. ❤

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