When They Took Off

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Things are fluid in my world.
It seems change occurs daily.
I’ve been in survival mode for a few years now.

Survival Mode — It’s explained as the result of the “fight or flight” response. When we feel threatened our instincts go to one or the other. And if you’ve felt “threatened” for a while, survival mode kicks in. It’s a state of constant stress with your instincts on guard. It’s not a restful place. I liken it to the “deer in the headlights” state of being. Never sure when you’ll be run over.

Since 2002 I’ve responded to most anyone who asks how I’m doing with,
“I’m hanging in the there.”

It seemed the easiest response that would bear truth.

I wasn’t dying. I just wasn’t living to my fullest potential.

Chronic illness, without a specific diagnosis,
was further complicated by a car accident.
My questionable health steadily went further south.

I’m a doer.
I love to create.
I love to work.
I love to clean.
I love being busy.

But my body won’t cooperate.

And as much as I’m a doer, my family is moreso.  We are made up of hyperactive, impulsively stimulated people. In other words, they’re more “doer” than me.  And since I couldn’t keep up, they went on without me.

The first time I noticed the change was after the accident.  We needed a weekend retreat so we drove to a national park close to home to climb the mountains and enjoy the scenery.  I was still bound up from my wounds and didn’t dare risk the climb.  So, I sat at the bottom of the mountain and watched with binoculars as my family ascended.  I had my sketchpad, made myself as comfortable as possible, and waited their return.

It was a nice day.  I enjoyed drawing.  But now, looking back, I see that’s when they took off.  All four of them.  Without me.

I thought that was a good thing, that they kept going…until I woke up one day and realized, I was alone.

I will never leave or forsake you. 
~Jesus

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4 responses »

  1. ‘Alone’ with Him – what better place to be?!
    But yes, sometimes He must allow ‘trauma’ to bring us to the place of acknowleging just that.
    Thanks for sharing what you’re learning in that process for our benefit also. We will all ‘be there’ at some point in our lives also.
    D-

  2. If others can learn from my life, I give all the praise to Him.

    Thank you, Laz. The trauma of life has been just that, traumatic. But, God is great…and He will never leave us alone.

    How marvelous, how wonderful, and my song shall ever be…How marvelous, Oh how wonderful is my Savior’s love for me!!!

  3. Oh, Sis. Your post had me in tears. I’m so sorry for the pain and rejection you have experienced from your family. While our stories are not the same; I do know what it is like to be rejected and pray that God who is faithful and no respector of persons would comfort you in the same way He has comforted me over the past few years.

    I love you. While I am a fallible human being I promise to try my best to never make you feel unloved or rejected.

  4. I have felt your prayers and His comfort.
    Thank you for caring for me as you do, Ayla.

    I do believe they needed to move on. Too many things were left to learn and explore to stay behind with me. I just realized that was the day that my health never recovered. Probably from the car accident, I steadily went downhill from there and I never fully caught up with them. I do hope they have not felt the disabling of my illness so that they will continue to grow. It could’ve been a very sad life for them to stay behind and sit with me. That wasn’t their load to bear, but mine. I did not feel rejected as much as I realized I would need to “entertain” myself. I am thankful their father had the strength and energy to keep up with them. It would’ve broken my heart, all the more, if they didn’t have him.

    And I want you to know, I have felt faithfully loved by YOU. You’ve never turned away from me, even in my ugliest moments. I thank you for your love and steadfast friendship. 🙂

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