Things are fluid in my world.
It seems change occurs daily.
I’ve been in survival mode for a few years now.
Survival Mode — It’s explained as the result of the “fight or flight” response. When we feel threatened our instincts go to one or the other. And if you’ve felt “threatened” for a while, survival mode kicks in. It’s a state of constant stress with your instincts on guard. It’s not a restful place. I liken it to the “deer in the headlights” state of being. Never sure when you’ll be run over.
Since 2002 I’ve responded to most anyone who asks how I’m doing with,
“I’m hanging in the there.”
It seemed the easiest response that would bear truth.
I wasn’t dying. I just wasn’t living to my fullest potential.
Chronic illness, without a specific diagnosis,
was further complicated by a car accident.
My questionable health steadily went further south.
I’m a doer.
I love to create.
I love to work.
I love to clean.
I love being busy.
But my body won’t cooperate.
And as much as I’m a doer, my family is moreso. We are made up of hyperactive, impulsively stimulated people. In other words, they’re more “doer” than me. And since I couldn’t keep up, they went on without me.
The first time I noticed the change was after the accident. We needed a weekend retreat so we drove to a national park close to home to climb the mountains and enjoy the scenery. I was still bound up from my wounds and didn’t dare risk the climb. So, I sat at the bottom of the mountain and watched with binoculars as my family ascended. I had my sketchpad, made myself as comfortable as possible, and waited their return.
It was a nice day. I enjoyed drawing. But now, looking back, I see that’s when they took off. All four of them. Without me.
I thought that was a good thing, that they kept going…until I woke up one day and realized, I was alone.
I will never leave or forsake you.