“It’s more fun walking down yesterday’s trails than taking this very real one.”
Do you ever find yourself dreaming about the past?
Yesterday’s trails…life before…
It felt good.
It felt right.
It felt real.
We had twenty very good years. We were young and excited about living for the Lord. Our family was set-apart for God. We had the privilege of watching our children grow to love Him. We dedicated our lives separately, and our life together, to Him.
It was ordered as we saw fit, as we understood God’s will for us. Our daily plans were fulfilled and we progressed through the years learning and growing and teaching and giving. We set our sites for the future and hoped our choices were what He would have. We didn’t think anything we had chosen was not for His good pleasure. We did not intentionally go wrong…but something very wrong was happening.
How does one sort out the good intentions from the reality…the fall-out?
I’ve spent the last three years in counseling trying to do that very thing.
Sort it out.
And I’ve spent the last year in Celebrate Recovery to further get my head around the shame from abuse and a legalistic upbringing.
This very real trail I’m walking down today is beyond painful. To unravel the ball of yarn of my life…to peel back the oh-so-thin layers of the onion…whatever analogy works best for you…well, it hurts. It’s necessary. But, it hurts.
And that’s the place from which I’ve written this blog: a place of pain. And y’all, my readers, only really know this aspect of my life. I’ve shared it hoping to bring light to darkness, maybe healing salve for wounded people.
But, I hope this point hasn’t escaped your notice: although I am perplexed and hurting, I am not despairing. He holds me up through it all. His power is working in my weakness. I’ve had days of deep pain, not able to do much more than stare at the wall, wondering when I’ll feel “normal” again. Months of sessions with my counselor weeping from the insights God began revealing. But…
I am not forsaken.
I am not despairing.
I know in Whom I trust.
We have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing…
Yesterday’s trails were beautiful. Today’s still hurt. But tomorrow’s…
…only He knows…
He is good.